Notes on solitude. Part I

My efforts at keeping to myself have been thwarted by many forces in my life, not least of which is my extraverted roommate. My customer service job also doesn't help of course. And the few friends that I do have expect me to hang out with them, and make me do stuff like join the local meetup group called "Socrates Cafe" where people talk about social problems and how to solve them. These people can be so full of themselves -- they can't get over their sense of superiority over what they see as the uneducated or unintelligent masses (which is pretty much anyone who is not part of the meetup group). As if getting together once a week to chat ever solved anything. Of course, they are also smart enough to realize they are just doing this for their own pleasure as a kind of mental masturbation, and not necessarily to help change anything. I for one am not a big believer in activism, but many of them seem to be activist wannabes, only they are too busy or lazy.

Anyway, all cynicism aside, I wanted to say that I really have a hard time writing. I am a consumer of words, not a producer. It takes a tremendous amount of effort for me to articulate my thoughts, which is also part of why going to the socrates cafe is frustrating sometimes. And of course it is one of the biggest reasons why this blog has few entries. I find writing exhausting. Thoughts are more fluid and fast, but words drag me down. They want to confine me and make me rethink and restate and reanalyze every thought that is worth expressing. I'm just not that word-y.

But to get back on topic here about solitude. I was unemployed for a while, and so I did get to spend a few months alone without constant contact with co-workers, friends, and strangers. I don't watch TV, but I do go online to read the news and blogs and nutrition/health stuff. I realized that even that is just a lot of noise in the head. I tried to cut that down further and noticed that I was restless and anxious without my daily dose of favorite webpages. Eventually, I trained myself to follow a strict routine of getting up in the morning, having a healthy breakfast of oatmeal and tea, listening to classical music while doing some light chores around the apartment. Classical music soothes my soul, calms me down, helps me focus on the present and keeps me from constantly thinking of lists of things to do.

Then I would sit in my porch under the sun, and meditate for an hour or two, until lunch time calls for a cooking session. Idle days. They were wonderful. I think everyone should get the opportunity to experience solitude without the daily pressure of meeting other people's expectations whether at work or home. To be continued.